My Mother - I Miss You So Much
Sunday, April 21, 2019
I guess so much has happened since I last wrote here.
I lost my beloved mother after she fought her battle with cancer for around two years. It has been a difficult period to say the least. I was her only child and there is no one closer to me than my mother. Although we have our differences, there was no doubt that the love between us was strong. Growing up, we spent so much time together, as my dad was usually busy with work - all I had was my mother for company.
As I grew up, I fell in love, got married and had kids. My mother was a social butterfly who had no lack of friends and programs - and maybe thats where I got my extrovert nature and spontaneity. The diagnosis came as a reeling shock to all of us as she didnt have any major health problems and was going about as normal, with mahjong and shopping trips. Suddenly my life turned upside down and with a lot of prayers, tears and discussions - we tried our best to get the best treatment for my mum.
My hubby made alot of calls, we pulled strings, we spoke to our doctor friends. All I ever wanted was to fight this battle with my mother and hopefully get her to pull through this ordeal. Prognosis wasnt good, given her age, physical health and stage of the cancer. But what can we do? I could only put a brave front infront of everyone else - even though I was dying inside.
I lost my beloved mother after she fought her battle with cancer for around two years. It has been a difficult period to say the least. I was her only child and there is no one closer to me than my mother. Although we have our differences, there was no doubt that the love between us was strong. Growing up, we spent so much time together, as my dad was usually busy with work - all I had was my mother for company.
As I grew up, I fell in love, got married and had kids. My mother was a social butterfly who had no lack of friends and programs - and maybe thats where I got my extrovert nature and spontaneity. The diagnosis came as a reeling shock to all of us as she didnt have any major health problems and was going about as normal, with mahjong and shopping trips. Suddenly my life turned upside down and with a lot of prayers, tears and discussions - we tried our best to get the best treatment for my mum.
My hubby made alot of calls, we pulled strings, we spoke to our doctor friends. All I ever wanted was to fight this battle with my mother and hopefully get her to pull through this ordeal. Prognosis wasnt good, given her age, physical health and stage of the cancer. But what can we do? I could only put a brave front infront of everyone else - even though I was dying inside.
Us in much happier times.
After all the rounds of chemo, I could only see my feisty and once determined mother lose her spark. The treatments left her in so much pain that sometimes she cant really talk to me and as she retreated back to her room to rest, I would shed a silent tear. Heartbroken and in pain too, it was the worst feeling of my life, to see my once radiant mummy fade into half the woman she was.
I never told anyone how I felt, because I dun really think anyone could share the pain that I was feeling inside. Not even my Dad, or my husband. It was just the bond that I had with my mum and Im pretty sure she knew it too because she will always say that she is ok, just so that I wouldnt worry.
Im penning this now in tears, re-living the sorrow that I went through as I planned for her funeral along with her, (no less) once the dreaded day came when her oncologist announced that she was terminally ill and will be referred to palliative care. It was the second worst day of my life.
Even on morphine, my Peranakan mother will tell me not to forget her favorite kebaya and kasuk manek (beaded shoes) to put in her coffin, so that she can have her preferred outfits in Heaven with her. Even though the mood was sobre, as I try to make her laugh - I chuckled and told her, what if I forgot? She looked at me and grinned, saying that she will come in my dreams to berate me, lol.
Im writing this now because I dreamt of my mother a couple of days ago. I cant remember what I was doing in the dream, but suddenly she appeared right n front of me and gave a smile. The first thing that came out of my mouth was, "How are you, Ma?" She smiled wearily and said "At least there is no pain now."
I miss you, Mummy. I really do. 💔 Come find me again, someday.
1 comments
Hugs to you dearie.
ReplyDeleteHello there, Pixie! Feel free to leave a comment, thanks! xo